so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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