There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
