I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
