there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
