Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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