nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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