you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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