Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
