They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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