And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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