its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.