My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.