Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
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OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"