I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now