If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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