I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
