Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
