just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
