So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I supernannyed him into submission
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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