theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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