The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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