I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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