Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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