I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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