Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
