I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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