alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
