oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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