Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
