So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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