im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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