i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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