im six kinds of drunk right now
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
