last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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