He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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