News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
