I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
