Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
