Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
