I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
