just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
