if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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