peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
