Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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