So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
