If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
