Already got asked if we're dating
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Dignity is for republicans.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
