He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
