One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
