It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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