Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
