I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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