I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
