you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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