Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
