I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
