i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
