Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Two words: nipple clamps
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