I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize