just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
