My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
