i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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