the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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