people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
