I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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