I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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