he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
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Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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