Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
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I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
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I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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