I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
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I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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